My daughter and I were cuddling before bed. Is your mom dead, said she.
I couldn't downright lie to her. I said, no. No, she isn't dead. I want to meet your mom, she replied. Why have I not met her?
How to explain to a four-year-old? How to explain when even I don't understand the on switch that wakens schizophrenia, leaving behind a mind devoid of an off switch. I somewhat dodged the questions, telling her my mom lived by Grandma in Florida. She got incredibly excited when I explained grandma was really her great grandma, to which she squealed in delight.
As I watched her, my mood immediately shifted as all my worries for this precious child were in the front of my thoughts. Schizophrenia - particularly the kind in my family - paranoid - has been an issue of late. With heartbreaking stories of shootings that almost always lead back to this disease, it's only a matter of time they try to prevent with early screening and testing. Especially since they've found a gene that shows a persons predisposition. Compound that with the Bush administration's sneaky addition to the mental health legislation, allowing our kids to meet with school counselors without parental notification. It all equals a very worried mommy who is constantly reading any research that could, even with a slim chance, preclude my darlings from ever having this as a concern.
After tucking her in, the 20/20 special Prostitution in America was on. I happened to walk in while they were talking to homeless girls/women who were turning tricks for $5-20. And it was just irony. I was already thinking of my mom, concerned for my children, and here was this episode.
Yes, my mom has spent much of her adult life homeless. I spent a short period with her, before the state stepped in. And it just left me an emotional sack on the couch. It is so overwhelming, this burden of keeping my kids sane, keeping them away from that life I once knew - but have managed to distance myself so successfully I rarely have it cross my mind.
We all want the best future for our kids, even my mom in her most delusional state wanted her kids to have a decent life. It's tough when you know there may be this terrible future for them, one you have nothing with which to protect them.
I felt myself mentally withdrawing, and I remembered something Crazy Computer Dad wrote about today. The therapeutic effects of writing, releasing these burdens to whomever may (or may not) drop by to visit. And even if nobody reads a character, it still feels like release.
And just like that, I feel better. I know someone, somewhere, has similar concerns. Wait, every parent out there has the same concern. The unknown of their most beloved's future....
[image credit - Medicine World - Schizophrenia Predisposition
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2 comments:
Angie,
Diabetes runs in my family. It normally skips a generation. My mom had it...and I worry about my son. With the myriad of issues that he has, that is always in the back of my mind. I've had him tested, and it is on all of his medical forms, but no signs or symptoms as of yet. He is on spring break with his mom, and he said something that made me think I need to have him tested again. My mom died of lung cancer and his maternal grandmother died from breast cancer. My mom's cancer was essentially self inflicted through smoking, but I still wonder what else he may have inherited. You are correct though, I cannot imagine a parent that doesn't fear for the health and safety of their children.
By: Crazy Computer Dad on March 27, 2008
There really are so many unknowns. I guess the best thing is to cherish every day, since tomorrow is unwritten.
Thanks for stopping by!
By: Angie on March 30, 2008
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